Messy Relationships, Blog 11: Compassion and Empathy in Loving Others

Beloved, let’s love one another; for love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

I John 4:7 (NASB)

When Jesus was asked, “What is the greatest commandment?”, he gave a two-part answer, saying that we are to (1) love God and (2) love others. John writes in the fourth chapter of his first letter that our love demonstrates that we know the Lord. So, why are we to love and care about others? We love first because Jesus commands us to, and so that by our loving actions others can see the reason why we do it - namely, that we are following Christ. It’s good to have a soft heart that feels compassion for those who are hurting, but all the good feelings in the world can’t really accomplish much. Others can’t see our feelings, but they can see our actions. I believe that loving with compassion is much more about what we do rather than how or what we feel.

Atticus Finch, one of my favorite literary characters, says in To Kill a Mockingbird, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view- until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” Dr. Henry Cloud, a Christian leadership consultant, writes that empathy “... only happens when your character is connecting enough to get out of your own experience and into the experience of the other. To do that requires a makeup that is not detached, or self-focused.”

Being “others-focused” rather than “self-focused” is hard, isn’t it? In fact, being focused on me rather than others happens quite naturally. However, Galatians 5 tells us that there is fruit that includes love, kindness, gentleness, and forbearance that we can see in our lives when we walk by the Holy Spirit. If we daily seek to be filled by the Spirit that indwells everyone who has been saved, we do have the capacity and capability to focus on others.

Dr. Cloud also writes that “True listening and understanding occurs only when the other person understands that you understand.” As someone who loves to give advice, I must remember that those who are hurting may have a great need to just be heard, not to hear what I have to say. And so, I must be sensitive to the other’s need at the time, be willing to listen, and not always be compelled to give what I believe to be the answers. Loving compassionately and with empathy is often best demonstrated by just being present and listening well.

Kim Miles, Elder